Cravings, a letter to God

How may I surrender these deep feelings, so that I am no longer swimming in my own mind like a shark?

God,

You’ve given me this life with a deep seated craving, this desire, to be with partner. Ravenous in expression, yet mostly off-limits? But I know, from this practice of mapping emotions, urges, and cravings, that these are also feelings I can explore rather than submit to.

But it’s so easy, to hop on an app and find some “temporary connection”. The quick release can happen anytime, anywhere. I can then come back to You and spend the time You and I both know I need.

I’m torn, because deep down I know that You want this desire too. There has to be a transmutation, much the same as I’ve seen in other areas of my life. I don’t want to give up this pleasure of instant gratification. I say I don’t, but the cravings are exhausting, rarely fulfilling, and they’ve never been truly long-term.

I’ll give You a chance to have a few moments with these teeth clenching, hip thrusting feelings. Maybe You have something greater planned here than I could understand from the depth of desire.

I really don’t want to, but I will. It’s a trial run. Maybe that’ll be enough, possibly even fun. I’ve sprinted away from these feelings, towards the men I desire. Is that “towards” also moving away from the unraveling I’ve seen You perform, like surgery in my body?

I will meet You in the tissues, where tension resides, hopeful the craving “stored” here is waiting for me to meet You. I always thought it was a desire needing someone to match, like a friend with benefits, or a partner.

I’m willing to be wrong. I’d love to be wrong, actually. If I were wrong, I’d no longer need to seek connection from a place of craving. Instead, I could sit back and rest in the knowing that connection will happen when it’s the right time and place, because I’m connected with You.

I’m willing to be wrong, because then maybe there’s something waiting to be developed within me utilizing this same energy I was seemingly born with. I’ve witnessed You work in ways that have been no short of miraculous. Can You do the same with an energy I’ve taken way too much responsibility for? I have wanted and found, fulfilled desire, and even created some lasting relationships. But it’s falling short of what I feel can be true. Is this Your truth too?

Maybe this is about releasing what isn’t my responsibility. It does feel as though I’ve been “chasing” most of my adult life. What freedom may be in store when it’s not mine to hold! Seeing this glimpse of liberation is enough for a fresh breath, knowing something else is possible. I hope You continue showing me where these shimmers of Love pour forth.

With deep love,

Zachary