The Big Three - Guilt, Shame, and Blame

Finding my way through life while attempting to not allow the big three to control reality.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to keep going. It feels as though it would be easier to just stop, to disappear for a season.

But...The one I want to disappear from is the one watching, The Witness.

What could possibly create this desire for *poof*?

Is it the state of the world, and the fact that I have no influence?
Perhaps the suffering of others around me?
Or the inability I seem to have to feel good about how I engage with myself and others?

And if it’s this perceived inability, what am I avoiding by focusing on the lack, the inability itself?
I’m hurting because I’m feeling unable…
But.
I’ve chosen to frame a photo and idolize it instead of allowing it be an outdated version of myself.
That’s me yesterday, in a previous moment.

Which it is. Although the new version of me, no one has yet to see, not even myself.

What makes me feel unable? The past.
I would always be unable, because they believed it to be true. Why did I give them power over me?

The Big Three:

Guilt. I’m at fault for my life. Shouldn’t that be enough to frame, to remember, to motivate?
Blame. Everything was outside of my control. Pointing my finger while feeling the weight of the mirror. A paradoxical prison.
Shame. I don’t want others seeing my wounds. Hiding because vulnerability is scary. I’d rather remain small and alone.

So instead of disappearing for a season, what would it be like for the “unable” version of me to die. To be removed from the frame, burned, forever transmuted into a new element?

If I grieve the loss of my worst version, do I get to move on? Am I allowed to? Do I become my best self? Or should I allow the heaviness of The Big Three to rule my life forever?

**Noticing my body contract**

How will I ever address all of this guilt, shame, and blame?

The same way I’ve always moved through emotions. Recognize, surrender, and watch what this moment is introducing.

I don’t control the release. I watch it happen.
I surrender to God because the way doesn’t make sense to my mind.
It can’t.